The Importance of Being a Friend

I am back with my family now for my Spring Break.  My dad came and picked my sister and I up from our school.  It's generally about a two-hour drive, but he got there really late.  My poor sister spent almost her entire birthday just waiting to go home.  It wasn't that bad though.  And we had some pretty good conversation with our dad on the way back as well as some laughs to a mix CD filled with Weird Al songs. 

My relationship with my dad has been very rocky over the last few years, so I really cherish the few times I get to have actual conversations with him that don't end up offending someone or hurting feelings and such.  He started talking about his relationship with my mom though and how he could never really just talk to her like he wishes he could for various reasons, but mostly because she reads into things so much and gets jealous and paranoid or simply just cannot relate to him on many things.  I have definitely noticed this in their relationship and so I could understand what he meant and where he was coming from.  He said there were really only three people he had ever met that he felt like he could talk to about anything and everything without fearing judgment of any sort.  It was really sad to hear about how these people ended up moving out of his life especially his childhood best friend with whom he had what we would nowadays consider a "bromance". 

I've always felt really bad for my dad, because he is very depressed and pessimistic most of the time.  I used to be very close with him until I started dating in my teenage years and then, he just didn't know how to relate to me and hated how I changed and I just wanted him to love me despite how I'd changed, because it's normal for people to change and a parent's love should always be unconditional.  I didn't stop loving him, but I did stop confiding in him.  We stopped staying up together 'til 3am watching TV and talking about things like theology and philosophy and psychology and life in general.  He stopped inviting me to go to the comic book store with him.  Our relationship was civil most of the time, but it was hard to handle him.  In my defense though, I was young and had no idea how to handle the situation, because no one truly tried to help me mend that relationship.  It wasn't until very recently that we really fixed things between us.  We apologized to each other and were friendly, but still weren't really talking for a while.  Then, he started going to Church again and discussing it with me and put my siblings into RCIA classes so they can be baptized and my parents asked me to be the Godmother!  Needless to say, this was a huge blessing.  My father and I finally had common ground to make conversation with and were in very similar places in our lives and wanted the same thing from our relationship.  Then, talking to him started to be more and more natural and easy as time went on.  We certainly do not have a perfect relationship, but it's better than it has been in a while.

My dad also finally got a job after being unemployed for like 6 years.  This is terrific news.  I feel that a job will give him more of a sense of purpose and help in to be more social and to regain a greater sense of responsibility and work ethic.  It will also get him out of the house more which I believe will help him to be a little more sane and less depressed.

My dad seems to be in a better place now than he has been in years.  I am really proud of him.  I hope and pray that things will continue to get better for him and that maybe some of his motivation to improve his life will rub off on my mother and my sister.  It is just such a beautiful experience to witness someone turning their life toward God and trying to be a better person.  I can obviously relate as it wasn't that long ago that I myself started that never-ending journey to God.  And my dad is a great example that it is never too late to change.  He has been so set in his ways and beliefs for years and here he is making all these changes and moving in his life in a more positive and fulfilling direction.

It still makes me sad to see my parents together though, because I know neither of them is truly happy in that marriage.  I really wish they would try marriage counseling or at least individual therapy to help them be better for each other so that the relationship can grow into something good for both of them.  I feel like having two parents that do not have genuine love for each other is just as bad as having divorced parents.  Children can tell and it does affect their lives especially their love lives.  I remember growing up assuming that I would have sex before marriage with my first boyfriend and that I would probably get pregnant before getting married and I just hoped that I had a boyfriend who would marry me if that happened.  As I grew older though and dated a few guys, I realized I didn't feel comfortable with that and I am so glad I am waiting until marriage to share that with someone, because I don't want to end up like my parents feeling trapped just because I have been dating someone a while or I'm pregnant.  I'm not saying my parents were wrong for what happened and how they got pregnant with me and ended up getting married.  I just know it isn't for me and wish that I had had some better examples of marriage growing up to help me to see that I wasn't really in love with every guy I dated and that there are good reasons to wait to have sex.  I know my dad wishes he had waited.  I can't blame my parents though. They both have a lot of issues and just did what felt right or good at the time.  I do admire them for staying together this long for us kids, but I think it would be a lot better for everyone if they took the time to work on their marriage to have a more healthy, loving, and happy relationship.

The fact that my mom is not one of the three people my father can talk to is not a good sign.  I worry every day that I am going to end up in a marriage like my parents' which is why I am being so picky about who I date now.  I tried thinking of who I talk to about everything, because I found it odd that my dad has only had three in his whole life.  My mind went blank though.  I couldn't think of anyone that I felt comfortable telling anything and everything to.  Maybe it's because I journal so much so I don't feel a need to vent or ask advice as much.  I just don't really trust other people completely.  I don't think it's bad though considering I haven't really met anyone who has proven themself trustworthy with anything I have told them.  I thought my friend Brittney could grow to be that for me, but we kind of stopped talking completely out of the blue.  And I have had boyfriends that I tried to make into that kind of person for me, but they always ended up losing my trust somehow by either telling other people, or acting as though I wasn't important and they didn't really care or judging me for this and that.  It is very hard to find someone to trust 100%, but it is so worth it to make the effort to find them, because that is how lifelong friends are made and that is something I think is very essential in a husband or wife.  Because it's so difficult to be that person for someone and to find that person for yourself, I understand that there are many people who settle and end up with friends and spouses that they can tell most stuff to comfortably which is enough temporarily, but will run out at some point.

So right now, as part of my journey to bettering myself, I am really focusing on my relationships with others and growing in my friendships and making new friends.  I am trying to be the kind of person that I could confide in so that others might confide in me and eventually, I can find someone to confide in myself.  It is very lonely not having that someone yet, but I am so excited to find that person for myself.  Once I have that kind of relationship, I feel like the world will be a better place and my heart will be able to rest easier and my soul shall be a little more content in this body.  It wasn't until very recently that I realized how very important it is to have good friends and to be a good friend.  I am not going to let myself fall away from people anymore though.  I am done being anti-social.  And I am done pretending I don't need friends, because I kind of do.  Humans are social beings.  Having friends is essential to our happiness.  I used to believe I was good as long as I have God, but He has shown me better.  In order to be His friend, I must be a friend to all He has chosen for His friends.  I need to be a friend to everyone.  It's a lot easier said than done, but if that is what He is calling me to, I am certainly up for the challenge.  

So I've been having some real relationship problems.. I don't really want to go into details, because my boyfriend would be very mad if I posted certain things on the internet, but I'm wondering if he loves me and if he does, is it as much as I love him? It certainly doesn't seem that way, but I have no way of getting inside of his head. So being the huge loser I am, I looked it up online and one response I found really applied to my relationship was from wikianswers and it read:

"Loving is unconditional, meaning there is no conditions that the person you love loves you back. However, to know if someone loves you all one needs to look at is the actions of that person. Words are never enough, unless they are backed by actions that match what is being said. Should some one claim they love you then hurt you with their actions then most definetly that would not in my book be considered love."

Another response on Wiki Answers read:

"Love is when you care about someone else more than yourself. That's it. A good indicator is if they want to be your friend as well as being romantically involved with you."

This also goes along really well with my relationship, because I have been thinking that a lot lately that I do not think my boyfriend loves me more than himself, because whenever I have money, I buy him presents for no real reason just because I'd rather spend my money on him than on myself, because he is much more important to me, but he is the exact opposite. He will say he doesn't have any money so that I won't nag him about anniversary presents and stuff and then, he buys himself random computer stuff that he doesn't even need and he thinks I get upset because he's not buying me stuff which isn't the case at all. I do not feel entitled to his money or anything. I just wish he'd think of me before he thinks of himself.

But then, the answer also goes on to say:

"Love is something that you grow into like a young child growing into teenager clothing. Love just don't happen overnight, in one day or in one week for that matter. I think what you feel for each other in the beginning is more attraction and curiosity and with time it can change into love, but in order for true love to happen there has to be trust, honesty, sincerity and compassion in the relationship.That is the only way you really get to know that person and to know if that person really loves you. "

This made me think that maybe he just doesn't love me YET. I mean we've only been going out for a year or so and we were friends for a long time before that, so maybe he just hasn't transitioned yet from loving me like a friend to being in love with me. I don't think we're still in the attraction/curiosity stage anymore though. There is not much trust, honesty, or sincerity though. I don't think there's trust on either end and there hasn't been much honesty or sincerity on his part for most of our relationship. So maybe we need to work on those things before we can truly be in love, but the thing is.. I don't think he wants to even bother working on it.. And that makes me sadder than I can even begin to explain.

There are actually a lot of interesting insights on love on this page, so I'll just post up the link for anyone who wants to check it out. So here it is! http://wiki.answers.com/Q/How_do_you_know_that_the_person_you_love_loves_you_too

My main purposes in posting this were 1) to vent and to sort of think out loud and try and figure things out and 2) to get these things out in the open, so that I wouldn't have all these thoughts bottled up and 3) To try and see if there actually is a way to tell if someone loves you and to see if anyone reading this would like to contemplate this or answer this for me either based on facts you know about love or based on your own experiences. I don't get many comments, so I look forward to seeing if anyone has anything to say!